It’s Friday. Time to grab your coffee, brace for absurdity, and dive into another Americanist Side-Eye Dispatch. This week? Former NFL stars are catching felony charges. Legacy journalists are reinventing themselves as newsletter prophets. Senators are throwing tantrums. And Whoopi Goldberg is fantasizing about tar and feathers. The circus is in town—and we’re naming names and mocking the madness.
An Americanist Side-Eye Dispatch #007: Feathers, Felons, and Freakouts
Trump to Iran: Tick Tock – NY Post
Trump warns Iran to act “before it’s too late” after Israeli strikes. Translation: The grown-ups are back, and the patience is gone. Somewhere, Biden’s still mumbling about “restraint.”
Antonio Brown, Arrested Again—This Time for Attempted Murder – NY Post
If you had “attempted murder” on your Antonio Brown bingo card, congrats. The man went from Super Bowl champ to True Crime headline faster than you can say CTE.
FLASHBACK: When Antonio Brown QUIT mid game with the #Bucs…
We will never see another personality like AB.pic.twitter.com/uBwlJFVoCK
— Playoff NFL (@_PlayoffNFL) June 13, 2025
Musk & Trump’s Billionaire Breakup Kills Truth Social Deal – NY Post
The bromance is officially dead. No more secret handshakes or space lasers. Looks like Musk won’t be buying Truth Social—unless he rage-buys it just to rename it “X-Truth.”
Sen. Padilla’s Meltdown During Noem Presser – NY Post
Padilla freaks out during a Noem press conference and is labeled a “complete lunatic” by Trump officials. At this point, Senate decorum is held together with duct tape and Adderall.
Terry Moran Fired After Anti-Trump Rant – NY Post
Pro tip: When Disney owns your network, maybe don’t rage-post about Trump like a Tumblr teen. Now Terry’s reinvented himself as a “storyteller” on Substack. We’ve reached peak media delusion.
This Week in Whoppers: Maxine, Kimmel, and the Migrant Makeovers – NY Post
Maxine Waters doesn’t see the crime in LA (maybe because her shades are Gucci), and Jimmy Kimmel thinks illegal alien criminals just need hugs. This is why no one trusts the media—they think felons are misunderstood poets.
DHS to Kim Kardashian: Name Your Favorite Pedophile – NY Post
Kim Kardashian bashes ICE, DHS fires back: “Which child molester do you want to keep?” Reminder: Activism without a brain is just Instagram cosplay.
Whoopi’s Latest Warning: Don’t Say “Tar & Feather” – Decider.com
Mike Johnson used the phrase “tar and feather” to describe what Gavin Newsom deserves—Whoopi Goldberg promptly gave him a history lesson. Because apparently, quoting old-timey outrage now counts as incitement if The View doesn’t like the target.
So there you have it—another week of elite meltdowns, media gaslighting, and political theater so over-the-top it should come with popcorn. From Whoopi’s fever dreams to Kim Kardashian’s ICE takes, it’s clear we’re not living through serious times—we’re living through satirical ones. The only thing left to do is laugh, stay sharp, and keep your side-eye fully engaged. Until next Friday, keep your sanity intact and your sarcasm locked and loaded.
And just a reminder of why I created the Side-Eye:
Why the Side-Eye Matters
In a media landscape full of spin, censorship, and curated outrage, the Americanist Side-Eye exists to cut through the noise. It’s not just about mocking the madness (though we do that well)—it’s about calling out hypocrisy, highlighting what the legacy press buries, and reminding readers they’re not crazy for noticing the double standards. Whether it’s a Hollywood meltdown or a D.C. disaster, this weekly dispatch connects the dots and keeps the spotlight where it belongs: on the truth.
The post An Americanist Side-Eye Dispatch #007: Feathers, Felons, and Freakouts appeared first on An Americanist.
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