It’s Friday, so you know what that means — time for another Side-Eye Friday Round-Up from An Americanist. Every week, we round up the headlines you can’t escape and serve them back with a big dose of sharp commentary and dry wit. From pop culture circus acts to political clown shows, nothing gets past the side-eye. Let’s dive in.
Here’s What We’ve Learned About Those Multiple Suspended Secret Service Agents
Side-Eye: So Trump gets shot, and the brilliant minds running his detail decide it’s the rookies who need to pay the price. Meanwhile, the supervisors whose job was literally “accountability and integrity” waltz away untouched. Nothing says top-notch protection like setting your people up to fail, then lawyering their punishments down to a slap on the wrist. At this rate, the only thing they’re good at guarding is their pensions.
EXCLUSIVE AND #BREAKING: The real story behind the six Secret Service suspensions over Butler failures:
Key supervisors who signed off on the Butler security plan and two who were on the final walkthroughs before the J13 rally were never disciplined but instead received BIG… pic.twitter.com/Thp4XjJMVH— Susan Crabtree (@susancrabtree) July 10, 2025
Rick Springfield Calls Out Today Show Host Craig Melvin for Yawning During Live Interview
Side-Eye: Rick Springfield is 74 and still rocking stages like it’s 1981 — meanwhile Craig Melvin can’t even keep his eyes open. Rick spotted that yawn a mile away, called him out with a grin, and made the whole set crack up. Not bad for a guy who gave us “Jessie’s Girl” before half that newsroom was even born. Stay sleepy, Craig. Rick’s still wide awake and cooler than ever.
Mamdani Just Latest Mayor Wannabe Who Thinks They Can Police the World
Side-Eye: Zohran Mamdani wants to be mayor so badly he’s already planning his fantasy perp walks for world leaders. Netanyahu, Modi — he’ll slap the cuffs on anyone who dares visit his crumbling socialist playground. Meanwhile, New Yorkers can’t get a working subway, decent schools, or a street that won’t swallow their car whole. But sure, Mamdani — keep pretending you’re the World Court with a city badge. The only thing bigger than the UN traffic jam is your ego.
Tyler Perry’s Accuser Breaks Silence Weeks After $250M Sexual Assault Suit: ‘I Couldn’t Stay Silent Anymore’
Side-Eye: Hollywood might want to retire the phrase “breaks silence.” At this point, the entire entertainment industry is just a confessional booth with craft services. If you’ve got millions to lose and a PR team to spin it, your silence was never that silent to begin with.
Alan Dershowitz Drops Bombshells: Says There Is an Epstein Client List — And He Knows Who’s On It
Side-Eye: So there really is an Epstein client list, and it’s still rotting in some locked drawer while the worst people on earth hide behind a judge’s gag order. Dershowitz says he knows every name and exactly who’s keeping it secret. Enough already. He needs to break the so-called confidentiality, rip the bandage off, and become an American folk hero overnight. If they used girls like party favors, they deserve to see daylight. Every filthy name. No more hiding.
That’s it for this week’s Side-Eye Friday Round-Up. The headlines will keep getting dumber, the spin will get louder, and the circus will roll on — but we’ll be here, side-eyeing every last bit of it. Share this round-up, drop your own takes in the comments, and remember: mockery is a public service. See you next Friday.
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