The Americanist Side-Eye: Friday’s Absurdities at a Glance
It’s Friday, which means time to pour the coffee, sharpen the sarcasm, and take a hard side-eye at the news cycle. From Taylor Swift’s stock-market sway to middle-aged divorce rebellions, the week delivered no shortage of headlines begging for a sarcastic smackdown. Let’s get to it.
1. Taylor & Travis Take Cincinnati
Headline: Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift take in Bengals opener days after engagement
Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift were on hand to watch the former’s alma mater, Cincinnati, take on Nebraska in their college football opener, which was being played at Arrowhead Stadium on Thursday night.
Travis and his brother Jason, the legendary former Eagles center, walked the field before the game, and once the action started, the Chiefs star and Swift watched the contest from a suite.
Unfortunately for the Kelce brothers, Cincinnati suffered a 20-17 opening-night loss to Nebraska.
Side-Eye: Nothing says “lifelong love” like sharing nachos in a city better known for chili on spaghetti. I give it until halftime.
2. Menopause Means Marriage Meltdown
Headline: Middle-aged women are leaving marriages due to menopause
Side-Eye: Hot flashes, mood swings, and now divorce papers. Gentlemen, consider this your official notice: buy the fan, fetch the wine, or prepare for alimony.
3. OnlyFans Octogenarian Adventures
Headline: OnlyFans star Annie Knight reveals outrageous sex rule and romp with 83-year-old fan
Side-Eye: An 83-year-old fan? Medicare is about to start covering OnlyFans subscriptions at this rate. Paging AARP.
4. JD Vance: “Ready If Needed”
Headline: Vance ready to assume presidency if something happens to Trump
BREAKING: JD Vance says HE IS READY to become PRESIDENT, but President Trump’s health is perfectly fine and Americans have nothing to worry about.
48 in 3.5 years…
“I’ve gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days. But the president is in incredibly… pic.twitter.com/hpyWS8gnuZ
— Eric Daugherty (@EricLDaugh) August 28, 2025
Side-Eye: Do you know something we don’t, JD? Because that’s one way to ruin date night at Mar-a-Lago.
5. The Critics Hate It—So It Must Be Good
Headline: ‘The Roses’ review: Boring battle from Benedict Cumberbatch, Olivia Colman
Side-Eye: If the critics are yawning, then I’m buying a ticket. Nothing screams “actual art” like putting snobs to sleep.
6. Taylor Swift: Now a Market Indicator
Headline: Taylor Swift’s engagement could boost the stock market
Side-Eye: Forget the Dow Jones. Wall Street is officially trading on Taylor’s ring size. The real question is: Does this count as insider trading if your portfolio depends on Travis staying faithful?
An Americanist Visual
Want more than just the written side-eye? I’m now breaking down these same headlines with extra bite on my new An Americanist YouTube channel. It’s politics, pop culture, and plenty of sarcasm—no spin, all spine. Subscribe and catch the commentary in real time.
Final Thoughts
From menopausal mutinies to octogenarian OnlyFans escapades, America proves once again that the circus never leaves town; it just adds a fresh act every week. Stay sharp, stay skeptical, and don’t forget: if Taylor Swift is moving markets, the apocalypse might be closer than we thought.
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The post Taylor Swift’s Engagement, JD Vance’s ‘What If,’ and the Week’s Strangest Headlines appeared first on An Americanist.
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